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Written by Alison Kuit, Psychologist at The Valens Clinic, Dubai.
Loss touches each of us at some point in our lives, unifying us in our shared human experience.
However, loss is also deeply personal, with each person’s journey through grief being different from the next.
The Emotional Impact of Loss
You might be familiar the work of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, who described the emotional stages we often navigate when faced with loss: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.
Additionally, many people experience anxiety after a loss, feeling propelled into the future and fearing the worst.
The Grieving Brain: Insights from Mary-Frances O-Connor
More recently in her book, The Grieving Brain, neuroscientist and psychologist Mary-Frances O’Connor suggests that grief doesn’t only alter our emotions, it also reshapes our thinking. While our neurons help us form attachments to others through love, the experience of loss requires our brain to adapt and imagine a future without the person we’ve lost. In this way, loss requires us to ‘learn’ and to put down new neural pathways. This adaptation can lead to forming new habits, friendships, and making decisions. This can be a daunting and overwhelming experience, particularly in the beginning stages of grief.
Shifting Identities: The ‘Me’ Before and After Loss
The profound changes brought about by loss can leave us feeling like we’re living a different version of ourselves. We may feel a clear divide between the ‘me’ before the loss and the ‘me’ after. Our identity is closely tied to our relationships. When we lose someone we love, it can feel as though a part of our identity has been lost too, as if the ‘mirror’ reflecting who we are in relation to others has been taken away.
Continuing My Story
The emotional, cognitive and identity shifts that occur after a loss can sometimes make us feel as though a chapter of our life has abruptly ended urging us to ‘move on’, leaving behind cherished memories and experiences. But perhaps it may be helpful to remember that our story and even the story of our relationship doesn’t have to end there. We can continue to weave together the memories and experiences of our past into the present moment. We can do this by recognizing that the person we were to our loved one, the things we shared and even the loss itself all contribute to a richer story in the here-and-now.
Some Practical Thoughts
As you start the next chapter, here are some practical ways that you can bring the valued threads from the past into your continuing story.
Share your memories: Continue to tell loving, funny and even sad stories of your loved one and your relationship, because those events continue to have significance in your life today.
Appreciate the Impact: Acknowledge how the relationship you had with the person shaped you and still shapes you today.
Acknowledge Your Strengths: Remember the things that your loved one appreciated about you, as those things continue to be strengths and gifts that you can bring to the world.
Notice the Growth: Recognize your growth, resilience and the perspective gained through the loss.
Remember what’s Important: Appreciate anew how the values and beliefs that have guided you in the past (especially the ones shared with your lost loved one) continue to shape who you are, what you do and the decisions you make today.
Witnessing Your Evolving Story
A crucial part of the grief journey is to engage in meaningful and reflective conversations about your loss and your loved one. Allowing someone else to witness your unfolding story can be an enriching and healing experience. This can be done with friends, family or a therapist who can guide you through the process.