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Written by Dahlia Yamout, Psychologist at The Valens Clinic, Dubai.
How do we pinpoint emotions and send clear emotional signals to our partner?
This may sound like an easy task but in reality, it can be very jarring.
A core part of intimacy in any love relationship is being able to be true to our feelings and express them. A lot of the times when we are not able to do that, our partners get frustrated with us and we get even more confused on how to behave.
The science of attachment makes this simpler. Even if it may be easier to show reactive anger in situations, deep down we are usually dealing with three kinds of core emotions: sadness, shame, and fear of abandonment.
Let’s think of emotions as comprising essential elements.
So, ask yourself these questions:
- What is the trigger here?
- What is the body sensation that I feel?
- How does my mind initially perceive this?
- What is the meaning I make out of this?
- What is my action tendency? (is it to flee, fight back, or shut down?)
When we can identify these essential elements, it allows us to discover the nature of what we are feeling and assemble it into a simple, tangible whole. This can have a grounding and calming effect on our bodies.
By being able to understand the specificity of our own emotional experiences, we pave a way for a more genuine interaction with our partner. Consequently, this can enable our partner to recognize our vulnerabilities, fostering empathy and understanding towards us.
As Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), describes: “Emotion is the music of the dance between partners”.
The Take Home Message: We can learn how to systematically do this and do it well, by learning how to pinpoint our emotions and clarify our needs. This consequently will allow our partners to feel more attuned to us and allow them to respond to our needs in a more effective way.